Deterioration
by vampire5674
Summary: He's not dead, not physically but mentally. He has been dying for a long time, but as time progressed his mental state began to deteriorate with every waking minute. He was to far gone. At least, that's what everyone thought. But they were wrong. He knew what was happening, comprehended it, and put it inside of his mind. Yes, he was mentally dying, but he wasn't dead yet.
1. Chapter 1

**Deterioration**

**Kendall's POV**

**11:45 pm**

James is my best friend or so I thought. He's been acting weird these last couple of months. Like being gone all day and night, staying in the bathroom for hours, or hardly ever speaking, let alone laughing. Every time I try to start a conversation, he just gets up and walks away. I'm beginning to worry about him. He has been wearing more long-sleeves and black clothes. James Diamond doesn't ever wear black unless it is his leather jacket. He has also started carrying around this journal thing. I tried to ask him what was in it and he snapped at me, telling me never to talk to him about it again. I'm starting to wonder what is inside it. I've also noticed him writing a letter of some sort. He hides it inside his journal. I'll sometimes wake up in the middle of the night and see him writing. He thinks I don't notice the tears falling from his face, but I do. Something is seriously wrong with him, and I intend to find out what it is. But for now, I'm just going to go to bed.

**8:30 am**

I woke up a lot earlier than usual. I think it was because of my dream last night. It was about James. I dreamt that he tried to commit suicide, and when I got there it was too late and he was dead. It was very nerve racking to say the least. I woke up with tears streaming down my face and covered in sweat. "God, I need to take a shower." I looked over and saw James still asleep. He had a smile on his face, but then his eyebrows furrowed and he was frowning. I saw a single tear leave his eye before he turned over in his bed. What is he dreaming about?

I wipe the tears from my face as I get up and head to the bathroom. I turn on the shower and strip. When I step into the shower I notice that the water is freezing so I reach behind me and turn the hot water up. I feel the scolding; hot water hit my shoulders and run down my back. It burns but it feels so good. I stand there, looking at the steam and just let the hot water relax my sore, tense shoulders. I begin to think, millions of questions run through my mind. All of them are about James. And yet, I don't have any answers. I look at my phone and see that I have been standing here thinking for half an hour! I quickly wash my hair and body. I turn off the water and step out into the cold bathroom.

After I dried myself off, I go into my room and look for something to wear. I try to be quiet considering that James is still asleep. "Good, you need some decent sleep for once." I whisper to myself. I take the towel off and put on some grey boxers. I open my closet and scan through my clothes looking for something to wear. I always wondered why girls would say they have nothing to wear when they have a closet full of clothes. I now understand because that is how I feel at the moment. I finally settle for a pair of average blue jeans and an orange t-shirt with a black cross on it. I walk out of the room, but I hesitate when I'm closing the door. I take one last look at James; seeing the for once peaceful look on his face. I close the door as quietly as I can and head to the kitchen for some much needed breakfast.

**9:30 am**

While I was eating my bowl of delicious honey nut cheerios I heard someone walking up behind me. I turn and see James walking into the kitchen. His face is a little red, and his eyes are so dark. I can't see any other emotion except pain, hurt, and sadness. He goes to the fridge and takes out a bottle of water. He takes a sip and then turns to me. "Kendall?" I was shocked that he actually was talking to me without me forcing it. I realized that I had just sat there in silence so I quickly regained my composer and said "Yes, James?" "Can I show you something? Well, you kind of have to read it. If you don't want to that's cool." "James, it's fine and sure. I'd like to read what ever it is." I said with a small smile. He just sighs and says "Ok, I'll be right back." I watch him walk away and think "Wow, maybe he's getting better. I wonder what he wants me to read." By the time I finished my thought he was back. He handed me a piece of paper and said "I'll be in my room. I hope this will help you finally see and maybe even understand." And with that, he left me sitting there with a piece of paper in my hands. What is up with him? I am even more confused then I was this morning, and that's saying something. Well only one way to find out I guess. So, with that, I opened the piece of paper and started to read…

**Understand**

**You don't understand**

**What it's like to be dealt this hand**

**A hand filled with pain**

**Where, sadly, there is no gain**

**It feels like the only release is death**

**Or maybe doing a little meth**

**You cling to what you can**

**Sometimes it's the wrong man**

**You tell from your heart**

**Nobody understands your art**

**What release is there?**

**But an overstuffed bear**

**You don't understand**

**To see so much land**

**Brings tears to my eyes**

**As the last tear falls; he dies**

I was at a loss for words. And that rarely, if ever, happens. All I could say was "Oh, James…"

**Hope you like it. I'm in the process of finishing my other story and writing 2 new stories. The next chapter will be kinda short sorry. Anyways Review please! Love you guys!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Warning:rape, self-harm, and attempted suicide are in this chapter. If this bothers you please don't read. **

**Deterioration Ch. 2**

**James's POV **

**10:00 am**

I had just given Kendall my poem. I am really hoping that he will see what I'm trying to say in it. I look inside my closet and see a certain shirt. I could feel my heart start beating faster. I could feel the sweat falling on the back of my neck, where a cool breeze meets it causing me to shiver and become covered with goose bumps. I could feel and also hear my body start to shake. I grab my head as the warm tears begin to roll down my face and neck blending with the sweat that has already built up and they began to roll down my chest, soaking my shirt in the process. I couldn't see my closet anymore; I could only see the flashback, but I could feel that I was moving somewhere. I heard the door close. I got my vision back in time to look down and see the razor in my hand. God, I want to just cut; I want that release so badly. I put the razor to my skin; I could feel it slowly starting to break the small fibers in my skin. I finally press down and pull. I inhaled sharply "God, that fucking hurt!" I sigh and let the high overcome me. By then I was pulled back into my flashback

_**Flashback**_

_ It was dark, starry night when it first happened. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was walking back home from my nightly jog at the park. I walked by an alley and as I passed it someone come up behind me and pulled into the darkness. I tried to scream but then I felt cold metal against my head. "If you scream I will blow your fucking brains out!" he whispered into my ear. I was shaking with fear. Next thing I know I'm on my back looking up at the sky. He rips my clothes off and says "Let's have some fun." He doesn't even prepare me or use any lubrication. He just slams into me. I scream out in pain, tears falling freely from my eyes and he rapes me. It hurts so badly. It feels like someone stuck a white, hot branding iron up my ass! "Stop please" He slaps me in the face and says "Shut the fuck up you faggot! Did I say you could talk!?" He slaps me again. I just continue to cry. Next thing I knew it was over. "I'll see you soon faggot!" And with that he was gone. I got dressed and limped back to my house. It has happen every week for the last couple of months._

_**End Flashback**_

I came out of my flashback and look down at my wrists. There are a few cuts on both, but nothing serious. I was going to put my razor away but then something crossed my mind. Why don't I just end it all? All of my pain would go away. I wouldn't have to worry, or be scared or anything. It would only take on cut. "Nobody will miss me anyways." I look down as I bring the razor to my wrist for the last time. "Goodbye" I push down hard and pull as tears fall from my eyes and mix with all the blood. I begin to feel lightheaded. I see black dots in my eyes. They start to merge and cover everything. The last thing I heard before the darkness swallowed me was someone distant saying "James!"

**Sorry I know you guys probably hate me right now. Love you. Please review!**


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